Happy Friday everyone! I don't know about you but I am ready for the weekend. I had a busy week and am ready to have some fun this weekend doing some fall activities and celebrating my friends birthday. As much as I felt like posting a fun fashion type post today I have been wanting to share a health update and share my thoughts with you. Typically I film videos for my Weekly Wellness series (changing the name from Wednesday Wellness) but today I felt like just writing it all down. I still may film a video and then add that to this post!
I was going to write this post last week after I had my doctors appointments but I am glad I waited a week or so to let things sink in. Now I have a more clear idea of what I am wanting to share so here it goes.
First, we should start with a general health update since I posted my health journey story back in August explaining everything that has been going on in the past year or so. Since then I have started seeing a neurologist for my headaches and I have also started getting trigger point injections in my shoulders to help with the pain every six weeks. I have only had this done once so I can't exactly give a ton of advice on my opinion of it yet. I will say I think the first one did help and the doctor said it may take a few visits to really start to feel the effects. My neurologist also referred me to a physical therapist and chiropractor. I had to get an MRI done and some more blood work. I had my follow appointment with her last week and everything on the tests came back normal. She has me taking a medication when the headaches are really bad. At this point, she does not know too much more until time progresses. So I started going to PT yesterday which I really loved the doctor so that was great! I start seeing the chiropractor next week. Finally, I had another checkup with my rheumatologist and she said the same thing she has been saying. Which is basically they don't know what is wrong but at least I am feeling better with the medications and that they are going to keep monitoring me. I got a second opinion just to be safe from another doctor and they pretty much thought the same thing.
So that leads me to what I want to talk about...
I left last weeks rheumatologist appointment and just felt so angry and frustrated. All I want is to know what is actually the condition I have. The anger I feel now is different then what I have felt in the past. At the beginning of this journey, I felt angry at others like the doctors. Though I have come to believe that they really have done all that they can do at this point. I have to trust them at this point otherwise I would drive myself crazy. Now I am more frustrated at the situation itself. I am frustrated I can't really workout. I am frustrated I can't eat whatever I want and I am frustrated I am always in some level of pain. I am frustrated at God but I guess more than anything I am angry for sometimes feeling this anger. Though I also have over time come to realize that its ok to have crappy days. I was watching this interview with Carrie Underwood last week and it really resonated with me. In the video, she talks about her anger and frustration she felt at herself and with God during her miscarriages last year. What she describes in the video is kind of how I was feeling last week. She felt like she didn't deserve to be angry and she couldn't understand why God wouldn't just make a decision. For me, I have that same feeling of not thinking I deserve to feel bad about the situation and not understanding why I can't just know what's wrong. This leads me to my final point...
I don't remember what made me think of this the other day but I read this memoir "I Never Promised You a Goody Bag" a few years back. It was about a woman who was attacked in her twenties and her life following that. Something told me there was something in the book I needed to look back on. So after doing some re-reading, I found exactly the perfect lesson from the book. In the book, she talks about the term "at least". Now I am not comparing her tragic incident to anything in my life but I do think this saying "at least" is used too often. The term "at least" is why we believe we don't have a right to be angry. When I go to appointments it is always "at least your feeling better" or "at least you don't have blank". It makes us feel like we have no right to feel bad. Now obviously my situation could be way worse but I still have a right to feel the way I do. So what I am trying to say is don't tell yourself things could be way worse so I guess they are not that bad. I remember when I read this book years ago I didn't really get this. I thought what is wrong about thinking on the bright side? The thing is when you are in a shitty situation you don't want to be told how things could be better. You just need time to process what is happening.
Wow, that was one long post! If you are still reading this I am impressed because I felt like I was rambling. Anyways I hope it made some sense to you and maybe helped you in some way. I have a few more topics similar to this I might try to share in the future.
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